I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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