I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
