I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I have grass duct taped all over my body
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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