He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
