Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
