Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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