she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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