Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
