Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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