Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
