SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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