I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
