he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
