I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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