So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just googled if crying burns calories
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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