your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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