I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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