Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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