Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Couch. On fire.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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