Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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