fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
