Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
