at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
