I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
