I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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