I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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