Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
