I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
