I think i sorta joined a cult last night
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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