they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
