Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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