Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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