listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
