my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
