I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
