some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I use my feet as sexual weapons
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
