im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
