: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize