shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
