Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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