I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
