I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
