I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
