My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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