idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
