i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
