U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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