he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
