she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
two words: eviction party
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
