Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
