Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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