he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
